I don’t even know where to start. I had this thought of writing my feelings and sharing it with everyone, hoping I guess that someone can relate to these feelings. Everything seems so unreal sometimes. One minute you feel as if you can take on the world then, in a blink of an eye you feel as if you just want to vanish into the great unknown. I don’t particularly understand these feelings. Don’t know why they occur. The thoughts. The deep seeded feelings of being unworthy of anything. Love, pleasure, accomplishments. For those of you who don’t understand, I’m sure you’re thinking ‘ aye just get over it!’ Aye we wish it were that easy! I know this may rub some people the wrong way, but this is how I try to explain it. Ready? You know when being gay was not accepted? You remember? I would hear people say, you could not be gay if you wanted to! During this time people were being beaten and sometimes killed for the views they had. If, if and I use that word very loosely, they could just turn it on and off. Don’t you think that they would choose to have an easier life? Maybe? I think so. Back then, and even now it’s much easier to live a “normal” life. Being accepted in everyone’s eye. But you can’t just turn it on and off. You could permanently turn it off I suppose. But there is no coming back once you’ve made that choice now is there?
I have told my husband, when I use to talk about my feelings, that I am a walking suicide. A little morbid I know, but that is what it feels like sometimes. When I hear that someone has committed suicide, I’m saddened. Then you hear all the talk of ‘man if I had only known. Or I wish I could’ve helped somehow. Poor thing, she/he always seemed so happy! I never knew!! Or, one of the best one’s of all!!! He/she had everything!! Why would they do something like that? If I had everything they had I would be perfectly happy!! OMG!!! I want to scream!!!! Look around you!! There are many of us out here!! Screaming silently!!! Smiling but dying on the inside!!! WE ARE RIGHT HERE!!! Help the unknown people now!! With kindness, and compassion for everyone!! At all times, because you might be the nice thing we need to hear today. No matter what we portray on the outside. You have the power to help us live, or kill us. Dramatic you say…yeah…it might be. Death is dramatic. Death is sometimes the only way we contemplate getting out of this. Some of us talk ourselves out of it…we do. Some of us don’t make it. What makes one stronger than the other. Not sure. I guess, it’s the environment around them. The way they feel…I’m still working on figuring that one out actually. I know for me, I’m always afraid that I will be left. So, I never feel good enough for anything. Always scared that I’m not doing enough. I continuously get on my husband’s nerves because I’m always asking if everything is okay. Are you okay, are we okay? What’s on your mind? Do you want to leave me? Am I too needy? What can I do to make your life better? Do you love me? My well is never filled. Why? I have never been one to blame others for my situation. Never blamed circumstances, but I’m beginning to see where actions and inaction have their consequences. Long term consequences. My brain can’t handle all the feelings. I feel too much, all the time. Why are some people more affected than others? I don’t know. I’m still working on that as well. This is all a process. A process of elimination? Not sure….It’s all confusing. But, I’m here so we can get through all of this together. I was told to do something you love. Something you are knowledgeable about. I thought about it for a long time. I am knowledgeable about feeling inadequate. So, I want to find help. I also want to help others to figure out why they feel the way I do as well. Before it’s all too late. You might feel alone, but you’re not. Some just hide it better than others. I can’t stay in the shadows anymore. I won’t keep quiet on the things that got me here. Because if I find out what did get me here, believe you me I will be releasing it!!! Like balloons in the sky!!! Are you with me? I’m with you!!! Like a very popular person often says:”Let’s go!.”
Food for thought: Does kindness really go a long way? Most would nonchalantly say yes, of course!!! For people like you and I, it most definitely does. It matters. How you treat others, what you hear others say about “other” people. If it’s bad, it can shatter you. Shatter your image of people in general. I should say, shatter your image of human kindness. Is there such a thing as human kindness? I wonder sometimes. People say nice things, sometimes they even do nice things. But I question why they do it? Is it with all of their heart? Do they really want to be kind? Are they doing it for themselves or for others? Motives…everything is about motives. Hmm…interesting. I relate everything to a song,. This particular moment makes me think of the song by: Fleetwood Mac, ‘Tell me lies.’ Have a listen if you have time. Please feel free to leave a comment. I will write again soon. Until then…
Still working on that 