Tell me lies
Actually, please don’t tell me any lies!! Lies to people like you and I can be so detrimental don’t you think? It could be the smallest of lies too. About anything and everything, because lies to us means something more that it means to others. It’s all because of trust. Trust is a building block to a sweet recovery, that is my view anyway. My views…I wonder how many other people like me are out there. Reading this now perhaps, can you relate? Lies, it affects us. It ultimately infects us. A lie can change the whole mood of things in an instant! Snap of the fingers and boom! The great mood you were in completely vanishes! It is not so much about the lie as it is the trust that was broken. We want so much to trust! What exactly broke our trust in the first place? Can you pinpoint when that place in your psyche was damaged? For me, it’s not just one incident. It is a combination of many small things that formed one huge void. Many small things, all the small things. I Think I should listen to that song right now! The song is by Blink-182. Have a listen, very good song. Music can heal you, if it’s even just for a short time. I am on anti-depressants now. Not a big shock to those of who are reading. I would like to say that It’s helping, but I can’t be sure. I still cry over ridiculous things. Ridiculous things to others, but for me when I cry it’s not ridiculous. What is crying anyway? I tried to Google a good reason, but couldn’t find anything that I thought would work in this thing I’m doing. If you have any thoughts on crying, please share them with me. How does it make you feel? Does it release something in you? Are you ashamed of crying? I think everyone cries for different reasons. I am not a drama queen, so I definitely don’t cry to get attention, I actually hate attention. My sister would beg to differ. Isn’t it funny that you can be described as such an outgoing person, but feel totally different on the inside while your being “outgoing!” How is this possible? Anyone? Bueller? I can only hope that you got that movie reference. Shocker huh? Spoiler alert!!!! Spoiler alert!!! Depressed people can be funny!!! Imagine that! I can hear the same phrases being said over and over again like,” They are just so funny! How can they possibly be depressed?” That’s like saying overweight people should never be hungry again!! Absolutely ridiculous!!! I remember the tragic death of a comedic icon that just broke my heart. In the midst of everyone talking about it, I understood. Behind the smile and laughter, something was broken that even money couldn’t fix.
I feel and think way too much than the average person. Every action, every movement, everything. Why? Am I really as different as I feel sometimes? You know we have people who have identity crisis. Not knowing who they really are. Born a male, but feel as if they are female and vice versa. Then we have that one lady who was born white but feels black. I feel bad for her, I really do. Rachel Dolezal. I think the media was a little hard on her. She just couldn’t put into words how she was feeling. Like many people that have some sort of identity crisis. She made some mistakes, no doubt, but what could she have possibly said to make anyone understand how she felt? I can relate to her. Somewhere inside me, I’m something else. Someone else. Something changed in me that I don’t understand. I don’t understand why I can’t just live without all this pain and confusion. It just seems so unfair. I am really trying to figure it out as I go. I wish I could hear what you’re saying while your reading this. Your input, or discoveries on your own journey would help me so much at this moment. I hope my journey helps you.
I found peace in some things. I find peace in listening to T.D Jakes and the messages he delivers. My relationship with God is building everyday, and I know he has helped me get through so many things. Without him, well, I would just be lost. The closer I get to him, the stronger I feel. Not all of the messages make me happy by the way. Sometimes the scripture requires me to take a long hard look at myself. I don’t like what I see. Another great surprise I’m sure. But the scriptures that he relays to me, keep me going. Keep me stronger than I was yesterday. That is all I can do, hang on for another day. Try not to hear things, or see things. I try to disconnect in the best ways that I know how. Believe me, I don’t know many ways. I love music. I listen to music. I heard once that there is no way to sing and still think about things that make you sad. Something like that. So music is my escape. If you haven’t tried it, I suggest you put on one of your favorite songs and escape. If you don’t have a favorite song, find one. I know it helps, if only for a little while. You will find that I always go back to music. The only thing I can lose myself in.
Have you told the people around you how you feel? Do you get shut out? Do they mock you somewhat? Don’t you just feel like screaming!!! These are the same people that if you killed yourself would say the things I stated in the very beginning. ‘omg! If I had only known! I never knew anything was wrong!! He/she always seemed so happy!!!! If I had known I would have done something different…. Really? I don’t believe those lies for a minute!! Why do people wait until it’s too late? Why? Some of these people who have lost people close to them knew…I know, it’s hurtful to say that but it is the God’s honest truth!! Which if it’s God’s honest it must be the truth!!! They knew something was wrong!! If they didn’t know something was wrong, they dang sure knew something wasn’t right don’t you think? Come on!!!! Don’t feed me that load of BS!!! It’s not rocket science!!!!! You know that girl that always looks sad and depressed? Hey, maybe she’s sad and depressed!!! Talk to her!!! Lend a hand…say something to make her smile!!! Don’t just walk on by as if you see nothing!! We are all around you!! I don’t know, be a freakin good human being!!! Before it’s too late!!!! That boy that people are always making fun of? I know you know who I’m talking about. Instead of laughing with them, become his friend. You could save a life by a smile, or a kind gesture? Is this really so hard to do? I guess it is, because we are dying out here because we feel too much. Interestingly enough, the people who commit suicide are rarely on drugs. You wanna know why? We don’t use anything to cover up or numb the pain. We just feel it, all the time!!! So, I ask you, who is the weak one? I’m still working on that answer. Just a little added note here. The people who you think are so damn happy all the time, are the people you really need to reach out to. Just because they seem to have it all doesn’t mean they have it all together!!! It is not a license to hurt them, or be mean. Just be a decent human being for goodness sake!! Try a kind word instead of a hurtful one. It goes a very long way. If you don’t love yourself enough to be kind to others, you must have someone that you love more than yourself. Think of them and how you would like others to treat them. This is for those of you who are reading and are on the other side of this story. Trying to understand us for some reason, hope it’s a good one.
Life can be filled with many things that can help us to be happy. Ultimately, I have heard that the decision is solely ours. How we choose to hear things, how we choose to interpret things. I’ve tried, but the way I am made up is different than most I guess. No matter how hard I try to interpret things in a positive way, my mind seems to always want to put things into perspective for me. My brain, it’s just my brain talking. Lol Inside joke. Till next time, much love.
Still working on that 