A girl

Once upon a time there was a girl, she opened her eyes and she was a part of my world. She looked around in wonder at this new place she was in, never knowing that the adventure called life would soon begin. Her curiosity grew more and more each day, finding her words and choosing the right things to say. She learned quickly the difference between hot and cold, a lesson in life that would ultimately cause her to be so bold. She grew through the years in height and in her soul. She always knew there was something more. She was different as everyone could see, always so perfect to her daddy and me. She asked questions and with the answers she wouldn’t always agree, in fact she often said,”Well how can that be?” Her mom and dad didn’t always have the answer and would just say,” We don’t know, it’s just the way.” That answer was never enough, seeking the truth made her tough. Through the years she seek to find, all the answers she questioned in her mind. Her parents grew old and she grew more wise. Making choices she felt was good for her life. She moved away and started a life of her own. She has a wonderful life a husband and a home. She serves our country and a mom to three son’s. She called me just the other day on the phone. She said,”Mom my baby asked me a question and I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t have the right answer and didn’t have a reply, I found myself saying, it’s just the way it is that’s why.” We laughed together and I got choked up inside. ” He will find his own answers, because he is your child. He has a good foundation that you have supplied. Give him a kiss and a smile, and in the blink of an eye, he will one day answer the same question to his child.” Today my daughter is twenty-seven years old. She is a great woman now and someone I adore, it all started with opening her eyes to our world. Never taking the answer that is given. Questioning everything from the very beginning. Through the years she has learned the difference between hot and cold, because unfortunately along the way she has been burned. Once upon a time there was a girl.

I remember

I remember

Do you remember me? I remember you. When others use the word “dad” my heart breaks in two, but I keep the smile on my face as if it doesn’t bother me at all. He loves me just the same is what they say. But when I look at him, I don’t see me. When I look at him I see my brother and sister’s face. I often wonder, where do I fit? Where is my place? I never had a choice, but you did. Why was it so easy to walk away? Did you ever think of me, when you watch your other children hit their milestones as they grow and play? Do you wonder how I am, do you cry at night when you’re all alone? Does it hurt you inside when they call you dad, knowing that I never can? I remember Mom saying that I had your eyes. She doesn’t say it anymore, I guess she thinks my heart will forget if we don’t mention you. But I remember everything, some things more than others. I know I was just a child when you left but my memories are so vivid. I know it makes you feel better to think that I was young enough to just forget you and move on. (How funny that sounds.) I guess you made excuses in your head, to justify why to you I am dead. I don’t cry in front of mom, because she hurts more than me.( Well at least that’s how it seems.) She tries so hard to make me feel complete. Sometimes I hear her sob in the middle of the night when she thinks I’m asleep. She stands over my bed and I hear her weep. “Lord,” she says,”Please let him know, how much he is loved that I all I want is for him to be whole. To never feel that he wasn’t enough, or be insecure.” I watch him play with the other kids, I just drift off in a daydream and cling to my mother. He is wonderful and I love him so, I’m thankful for this father that I now know. He loves me each and every day, but I can’t help but think will he also go away? This is the legacy you have left for me, a life filled with doubt and uncertainty. So Happy father’s day to the man I once knew.

Still

Still

When it all happened I don’t think I made a sound.
It seemed to have happened so fast, I was lost in a fog.
I never asked once why me, it’s just something that no one could ever foresee.
My silence made you think you could do it again and again.
My innocence you stole, it was the beginning of the end.
You said, “Don’t tell anyone, I will say it’s a lie.” My self worth was
already damaged all I could do was cry.
I believed what you said and never said a word. But what you took as silence is
completely absurd. Because you see I was always screaming, and I scream still.
I scream when I drink, I scream when I smoke, I scream everyday wondering what I’m
worth, I scream when I put the needle in my arm, I scream when I feel I just don’t belong, I scream
when I am in relationships I don’t deserve, I scream when I want to stand up for myself but don’t have the nerve,
I scream when I can’t stand on my own two feet, when I wake in the morning and feel utter defeat. I scream as I take
my anti-depressant for something that happened when I was an adolescent. I scream when I cry when I hear a song play,
when the words make me feel a certain kind of way. I scream when I realize I can’t trust, I scream because my heart was once whole
and now it’s crushed. I scream you see, all the time, but all you can see is my smile. So please never think that it didn’t change
me, because it did and I still scream.

Dedicated to all the souls that were injured by abuse. You are not alone.

Still working on that Pt. 4

Time to dive into the little things

Fleeting moments. My life is in moments. One minute your up, the next, well you know. Why do we need such validation? Validation for how we love, validation for being a good mother, wife, sister, daughter, cook, lover, human being. Validation for how we look, because we all know that matters. Feeling beautiful…but let’s be honest, do we ever really believe it when they tell us? If you catch us in the right moment then the answer is a great big YES!!!

Song for this chapter:

Bent
Matchbox Twenty

Broken, bent, twisted…etc…yup. This pretty much sums up everything. As I am writing this, there is a smile on my face. Nothing is funny about the statement, it’s just the fact that I can recognize all my insecurities. When I sing this song, I am extra passionate at certain points in the song. It makes me laugh and cry at the same time. Not in front of anyone, usually when I’m alone. Like humpty dumpty on the wall. All the king’s horses and all the king’s men, couldn’t put humpty together again. Ha! My mind is crazy!! Literally!!


Life is about the little things. Little things add up. I remember when I was younger, my grandmother use to scrub me so hard, with this thing. It was scratchy. That’s all I can remember about it.I was about six or seven at the time. She used to say she was going to scrub the black off of me. My sister was very white, still is. Lol….I’m still dark. Can’t change that. Guess I could, but it is way too expensive. With my grandmother wanting to “scrub the black” off me, I always felt that I was just the wrong color. Especially when I was around my sister. My beautiful sister…I always wanted to be her. The beautiful one. One of the little things that stuck in my mind, or my soul. Didn’t even realize it was there until it paid me a visit on several different occasions when I was older. But, we will talk about that later. It’s funny what your mind keeps…That’s why it is so important to think before you speak. Especially to children. You never know how what you say to them can affect or as I would like to say infect them in the future. This is one of those little things that stuck. Throughout my young life, I always felt different. Things you just don’t share with anyone because they wouldn’t understand. I love the way people can tell you that you never felt a certain way, when you are the one that lived it. Your perspective, your reality. Don’t let anyone steal that from you. If it hurt you, it hurt you. Maybe it wouldn’t have hurt them the way it hurt you, but you are not them and they are not you! I don’t care for people who have pity parties, nor is this…whatever this is designed to give you permission to give up, nor is it designed to blame other people. Although sometimes it might seem that way. This is not about finding excuses, it’s about finding out what got us here and overcoming it all. Because the thing is, everyone has experienced bad times. Bad things happen. People hurt other people, some people just can handle it better than others. That is what I am trying to figure out. Why we can’t just let things go like other people can. Why we hold onto the pain. I just want answers. On my quest for answers the only thing I can come up with at this point is that other people have had more good happen in their life. The good made the bad not as bad as it could have been. Somewhere along the line they could regain the trust that they lost. Some point in their lives, someone came along and consistently showed them how valuable they were. I guess it just didn’t happen for us. So where do we go from here? I’m not sure exactly. The search continues. Sorry, I have no song for this part. Maybe you do? My hair always seemed to find its way home. That’s what my family would say when my hair seemed more ethnic that it should. Funny what your heart keeps. My aunt was and is a very glamorous woman. I recall when she came over our apartment when we lived in San Antonio and voiced her longing for my sister to be a model. My sister has always been model material by the way. Gorgeous! Still today. Well of course, I wanted to be a model too! But years after my grandmother couldn’t scrub the black off me, well I was told I was too dark. Too dark to be a model…hmm. Apparently so was my sister because she still used bleach to make my sister’s arm hair blonde. Are we ever good enough just the way we are? I have always thought my sister was perfect in every way. But even she wasn’t good enough. I wonder if that hurt her. I can’t speak for her, but I’m sure she has things that changed her somehow. The reason the last moment in my life seems out of order, is because there is no order. Just things that pop up from time to time. I was just trying to show you that if the ridicule continues in your life, you can never stop feeling inadequate. If it never reoccurs again, well you have a chance to feel good about yourself again. Maybe we can find someone and give them a compliment today. We of all people should know how effective it can be to hear good things. Life is not perfect, but the balance seems to be off somewhere. Here I am asking you who are broken to try to mend other people. How can you do this you ask? When you’re not even whole yourself? Because, I’ve found that helping others really does feel good. Anything that feels good to the soul can’t be bad. Much love, and stay safe.

Coronavirus guilt

I am taking a break from my Still working on that post, because I really needed to get this off of my chest. I really hope that you will share your thoughts with me on this, as I am truly confused and feeling a bit anxious at times. I have never felt so alone in my entire life. I really didn’t think it was possible to feel this way actually. I want to scream so loudly, but I can’t. So, I just sit in silence and pretend everything is okay.

As you may already know the Coronavirus is here. Despite everything that the experts are saying, the bottom line is they really don’t know how it is transmitted or how many people already have it. This is something that we all must deal with and I am praying for everyone. Please keep us in your prayers as well. I keep hearing that it’s not a big deal and if you’re healthy and have no underlying medical issues you should be okay. You might get a little sick but basically that’s it. Don’t panic, everything will be alright. What does this mean for people who do have underlying health issues? A possible death sentence? It is not a guarantee that you will die, but there is a higher chance.

Question: Would you ever gamble with your child’s life? Is there ever such a thing as being OVERLY cautious? I don’t think so, especially when your child already has existing medical issues. Respiratory issues that she has been hospitalized for several times. Issues that almost took her from us. How can I not be OVERLY cautious and concerned? I am not wanting to offend anyone, by saying no to gatherings. I don’t want to make anyone angry by my request to wash your hands, or stand a few feet away when we speak. I don’t want to feel guilty for asking you to please not touch or kiss my daughter. No one should make me feel like I am the bad guy during this time, should they? Or am I overreacting? I have questioned myself over and over again.

If you have read my other post’s, you know that I am on a journey to understand why I am who I am. What makes us see things the way we do, why we feel so much. I want to be accepted all the time, and when I’m not, I always feel it is my fault. I end up apologizing for things that I shouldn’t have to apologize for. Here I am again, feeling alone when I would love for someone to call and ask what SHE might need during this time. Wanting someone to understand how stressful it is to know her life is in my hands. Yes, I am a woman of faith. I believe that god does protect us, by giving us the resources we have, to do what we need to do. He gives us insight and guidance in the things that must be done. Every night I give him thanks for leading us in the way that he does. I have faith. Having faith does not always exempt you from feeling alone, feeling overwhelmed. It brings me back to solid ground no doubt, but every now and then I feel as if I am standing on quicksand, screaming and no one hears me. Then someone ask me how I am, I smile and say,”Great, how are you?” When inside I am dying and I can’t share it with anyone because I am ridiculed for my feelings.

I guess, I just want to know if I am being irrational? Maybe I want confirmation that I am right. I don’t know, just be honest. If there is someone out there that you know that is dealing with a special needs child, or and elderly relative, please reach out to them. Respect their feelings, and support them. It is very important to encourage and support others. I know, because I know that I would love that right now. Much love to you all and stay safe.

Still working on that Pt. 3

Be like that

3 Doors Down
He spends his nights in California
Watching the stars on the big screen
And then he lies awake and he wonders
Why cant that be me?
‘Cause in his life he is filled
With all these good intentions
He’s left a lot of things
He’d rather not mention right now
Just before he says goodnight
He looks up with a little smile at me
And he says
If I could be like that
Well I would give anything
Just to live one day
In those shoes
If I could be like that
What would I do?
What would I do?

Yes, a song.

When it’s good it’s really good, but when it’s bad it’s downright horrible! Horrible may be an understatement. Good also may be not as descriptive as I would like. Awesome is a nice word. Earlier I mentioned that music was a great escape. Well, there is another great escape. If you have a partner In your life and you are of age you will be able to relate. If not, just wait. It is worth waiting for I promise! Back to the point I was trying to make. The second great escape is making love to your significant other. I know, I know…May sound a little cliché. Or maybe you’re just not there yet, it can be tough. It’s all about timing, timing is everything!! With this dark cloud hanging over my head every day, I rarely feel like being intimate. I guess because I don’t feel sexy at all!! How can I get into the mood when I am always in a fight or flight mode? How do you let someone touch you if you feel violated when they do? Why do we feel violated? I can tell you that I feel violated because I don’t think he really wants to touch ME! I’m just convenient. I’m here, so in my mind this is the conversation I think he is having in his own head: ‘Well, she is nasty and gross, but it’s better than nothing. I don’t have to buy her dinner first.’ When I hear those things in my own mind, how can I feel sexy? Mind you, he never says these things, ever! I say it for him. I don’t care what HIS image is of me because I already have an image of the image I think he has of me. Lol…No, the image I have convinced myself he has of me. (This is me putting things into perspective. Rare moments of clarity happen from time to time.) However, when the moment is good, well hold on to your hat buddy!!! Cause I am all in!!! The moment won’t last for too long though, so he really must work fast! Man, it must be so tough on him to have to be on this platform never knowing when to jump, or how stable his landing will be. Let’s go even further; once he lands how long before it becomes quick sand!!!! Oh, what I put him through, then I have the audacity to question his love for me. Hmm….don’t worry, this will all change in a couple pages I’m sure. I will question his love many times, because it’s all moments. This moment is good. Why can’t it all be so clear all the time?

I highlighted some of the words of the song by Blink-182 because I sometimes wish I were someone else. But God made me who I am for a reason. All my flaws, all of my gifts. I know I have a purpose. (right now, I feel I have a purpose and it feels good.) There is another song that I can relate to, maybe you can too. It’s from the Disney movie The Little Mermaid.Do I really need to highlight the words that mean something to me? Everything about this song screams that this girl had some issues!! She just wanted to be like everyone else!! Just like we do!! I see people walking around laughing and just enjoying life in general, I wish it were me. I wish I could. What holds us back? Why can’t we be part of their world? I’m still working on figuring that out. We’ll get there. We are going to dissect this thing we call life piece by piece, together. I don’t want to just go through the motions, I want to live!! Until next time, much love.

Still working on that Pt.2

Tell me lies

Actually, please don’t tell me any lies!! Lies to people like you and I can be so detrimental don’t you think? It could be the smallest of lies too. About anything and everything, because lies to us means something more that it means to others. It’s all because of trust. Trust is a building block to a sweet recovery, that is my view anyway. My views…I wonder how many other people like me are out there. Reading this now perhaps, can you relate? Lies, it affects us. It ultimately infects us. A lie can change the whole mood of things in an instant! Snap of the fingers and boom! The great mood you were in completely vanishes! It is not so much about the lie as it is the trust that was broken. We want so much to trust! What exactly broke our trust in the first place? Can you pinpoint when that place in your psyche was damaged? For me, it’s not just one incident. It is a combination of many small things that formed one huge void. Many small things, all the small things. I Think I should listen to that song right now! The song is by Blink-182. Have a listen, very good song. Music can heal you, if it’s even just for a short time. I am on anti-depressants now. Not a big shock to those of who are reading. I would like to say that It’s helping, but I can’t be sure. I still cry over ridiculous things. Ridiculous things to others, but for me when I cry it’s not ridiculous. What is crying anyway? I tried to Google a good reason, but couldn’t find anything that I thought would work in this thing I’m doing. If you have any thoughts on crying, please share them with me. How does it make you feel? Does it release something in you? Are you ashamed of crying? I think everyone cries for different reasons. I am not a drama queen, so I definitely don’t cry to get attention, I actually hate attention. My sister would beg to differ. Isn’t it funny that you can be described as such an outgoing person, but feel totally different on the inside while your being “outgoing!” How is this possible? Anyone? Bueller? I can only hope that you got that movie reference. Shocker huh? Spoiler alert!!!! Spoiler alert!!! Depressed people can be funny!!! Imagine that! I can hear the same phrases being said over and over again like,” They are just so funny! How can they possibly be depressed?” That’s like saying overweight people should never be hungry again!! Absolutely ridiculous!!! I remember the tragic death of a comedic icon that just broke my heart. In the midst of everyone talking about it, I understood. Behind the smile and laughter, something was broken that even money couldn’t fix.


I feel and think way too much than the average person. Every action, every movement, everything. Why? Am I really as different as I feel sometimes? You know we have people who have identity crisis. Not knowing who they really are. Born a male, but feel as if they are female and vice versa. Then we have that one lady who was born white but feels black. I feel bad for her, I really do. Rachel Dolezal. I think the media was a little hard on her. She just couldn’t put into words how she was feeling. Like many people that have some sort of identity crisis. She made some mistakes, no doubt, but what could she have possibly said to make anyone understand how she felt? I can relate to her. Somewhere inside me, I’m something else. Someone else. Something changed in me that I don’t understand. I don’t understand why I can’t just live without all this pain and confusion. It just seems so unfair. I am really trying to figure it out as I go. I wish I could hear what you’re saying while your reading this. Your input, or discoveries on your own journey would help me so much at this moment. I hope my journey helps you.


I found peace in some things. I find peace in listening to T.D Jakes and the messages he delivers. My relationship with God is building everyday, and I know he has helped me get through so many things. Without him, well, I would just be lost. The closer I get to him, the stronger I feel. Not all of the messages make me happy by the way. Sometimes the scripture requires me to take a long hard look at myself. I don’t like what I see. Another great surprise I’m sure. But the scriptures that he relays to me, keep me going. Keep me stronger than I was yesterday. That is all I can do, hang on for another day. Try not to hear things, or see things. I try to disconnect in the best ways that I know how. Believe me, I don’t know many ways. I love music. I listen to music. I heard once that there is no way to sing and still think about things that make you sad. Something like that. So music is my escape. If you haven’t tried it, I suggest you put on one of your favorite songs and escape. If you don’t have a favorite song, find one. I know it helps, if only for a little while. You will find that I always go back to music. The only thing I can lose myself in.


Have you told the people around you how you feel? Do you get shut out? Do they mock you somewhat? Don’t you just feel like screaming!!! These are the same people that if you killed yourself would say the things I stated in the very beginning. ‘omg! If I had only known! I never knew anything was wrong!! He/she always seemed so happy!!!! If I had known I would have done something different…. Really? I don’t believe those lies for a minute!! Why do people wait until it’s too late? Why? Some of these people who have lost people close to them knew…I know, it’s hurtful to say that but it is the God’s honest truth!! Which if it’s God’s honest it must be the truth!!! They knew something was wrong!! If they didn’t know something was wrong, they dang sure knew something wasn’t right don’t you think? Come on!!!! Don’t feed me that load of BS!!! It’s not rocket science!!!!! You know that girl that always looks sad and depressed? Hey, maybe she’s sad and depressed!!! Talk to her!!! Lend a hand…say something to make her smile!!! Don’t just walk on by as if you see nothing!! We are all around you!! I don’t know, be a freakin good human being!!! Before it’s too late!!!! That boy that people are always making fun of? I know you know who I’m talking about. Instead of laughing with them, become his friend. You could save a life by a smile, or a kind gesture? Is this really so hard to do? I guess it is, because we are dying out here because we feel too much. Interestingly enough, the people who commit suicide are rarely on drugs. You wanna know why? We don’t use anything to cover up or numb the pain. We just feel it, all the time!!! So, I ask you, who is the weak one? I’m still working on that answer. Just a little added note here. The people who you think are so damn happy all the time, are the people you really need to reach out to. Just because they seem to have it all doesn’t mean they have it all together!!! It is not a license to hurt them, or be mean. Just be a decent human being for goodness sake!! Try a kind word instead of a hurtful one. It goes a very long way. If you don’t love yourself enough to be kind to others, you must have someone that you love more than yourself. Think of them and how you would like others to treat them. This is for those of you who are reading and are on the other side of this story. Trying to understand us for some reason, hope it’s a good one.
Life can be filled with many things that can help us to be happy. Ultimately, I have heard that the decision is solely ours. How we choose to hear things, how we choose to interpret things. I’ve tried, but the way I am made up is different than most I guess. No matter how hard I try to interpret things in a positive way, my mind seems to always want to put things into perspective for me. My brain, it’s just my brain talking. Lol Inside joke. Till next time, much love.

Still working on that pt.1

I don’t even know where to start. I had this thought of writing my feelings and sharing it with everyone, hoping I guess that someone can relate to these feelings. Everything seems so unreal sometimes. One minute you feel as if you can take on the world then, in a blink of an eye you feel as if you just want to vanish into the great unknown. I don’t particularly understand these feelings. Don’t know why they occur. The thoughts. The deep seeded feelings of being unworthy of anything. Love, pleasure, accomplishments. For those of you who don’t understand, I’m sure you’re thinking ‘ aye just get over it!’ Aye we wish it were that easy! I know this may rub some people the wrong way, but this is how I try to explain it. Ready? You know when being gay was not accepted? You remember? I would hear people say, you could not be gay if you wanted to! During this time people were being beaten and sometimes killed for the views they had. If, if and I use that word very loosely, they could just turn it on and off. Don’t you think that they would choose to have an easier life? Maybe? I think so. Back then, and even now it’s much easier to live a “normal” life. Being accepted in everyone’s eye. But you can’t just turn it on and off. You could permanently turn it off I suppose. But there is no coming back once you’ve made that choice now is there?

I have told my husband, when I use to talk about my feelings, that I am a walking suicide. A little morbid I know, but that is what it feels like sometimes. When I hear that someone has committed suicide, I’m saddened. Then you hear all the talk of ‘man if I had only known. Or I wish I could’ve helped somehow. Poor thing, she/he always seemed so happy! I never knew!! Or, one of the best one’s of all!!! He/she had everything!! Why would they do something like that? If I had everything they had I would be perfectly happy!! OMG!!! I want to scream!!!! Look around you!! There are many of us out here!! Screaming silently!!! Smiling but dying on the inside!!! WE ARE RIGHT HERE!!! Help the unknown people now!! With kindness, and compassion for everyone!! At all times, because you might be the nice thing we need to hear today. No matter what we portray on the outside. You have the power to help us live, or kill us. Dramatic you say…yeah…it might be. Death is dramatic. Death is sometimes the only way we contemplate getting out of this. Some of us talk ourselves out of it…we do. Some of us don’t make it. What makes one stronger than the other. Not sure. I guess, it’s the environment around them. The way they feel…I’m still working on figuring that one out actually. I know for me, I’m always afraid that I will be left. So, I never feel good enough for anything. Always scared that I’m not doing enough. I continuously get on my husband’s nerves because I’m always asking if everything is okay. Are you okay, are we okay? What’s on your mind? Do you want to leave me? Am I too needy? What can I do to make your life better? Do you love me? My well is never filled. Why? I have never been one to blame others for my situation. Never blamed circumstances, but I’m beginning to see where actions and inaction have their consequences. Long term consequences. My brain can’t handle all the feelings. I feel too much, all the time. Why are some people more affected than others? I don’t know. I’m still working on that as well. This is all a process. A process of elimination? Not sure….It’s all confusing. But, I’m here so we can get through all of this together. I was told to do something you love. Something you are knowledgeable about. I thought about it for a long time. I am knowledgeable about feeling inadequate. So, I want to find help. I also want to help others to figure out why they feel the way I do as well. Before it’s all too late. You might feel alone, but you’re not. Some just hide it better than others. I can’t stay in the shadows anymore. I won’t keep quiet on the things that got me here. Because if I find out what did get me here, believe you me I will be releasing it!!! Like balloons in the sky!!! Are you with me? I’m with you!!! Like a very popular person often says:”Let’s go!.”

Food for thought: Does kindness really go a long way? Most would nonchalantly say yes, of course!!! For people like you and I, it most definitely does. It matters. How you treat others, what you hear others say about “other” people. If it’s bad, it can shatter you. Shatter your image of people in general. I should say, shatter your image of human kindness. Is there such a thing as human kindness? I wonder sometimes. People say nice things, sometimes they even do nice things. But I question why they do it? Is it with all of their heart? Do they really want to be kind? Are they doing it for themselves or for others? Motives…everything is about motives. Hmm…interesting. I relate everything to a song,. This particular moment makes me think of the song by: Fleetwood Mac, ‘Tell me lies.’ Have a listen if you have time. Please feel free to leave a comment. I will write again soon. Until then…

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