I remember

I remember

Do you remember me? I remember you. When others use the word “dad” my heart breaks in two, but I keep the smile on my face as if it doesn’t bother me at all. He loves me just the same is what they say. But when I look at him, I don’t see me. When I look at him I see my brother and sister’s face. I often wonder, where do I fit? Where is my place? I never had a choice, but you did. Why was it so easy to walk away? Did you ever think of me, when you watch your other children hit their milestones as they grow and play? Do you wonder how I am, do you cry at night when you’re all alone? Does it hurt you inside when they call you dad, knowing that I never can? I remember Mom saying that I had your eyes. She doesn’t say it anymore, I guess she thinks my heart will forget if we don’t mention you. But I remember everything, some things more than others. I know I was just a child when you left but my memories are so vivid. I know it makes you feel better to think that I was young enough to just forget you and move on. (How funny that sounds.) I guess you made excuses in your head, to justify why to you I am dead. I don’t cry in front of mom, because she hurts more than me.( Well at least that’s how it seems.) She tries so hard to make me feel complete. Sometimes I hear her sob in the middle of the night when she thinks I’m asleep. She stands over my bed and I hear her weep. “Lord,” she says,”Please let him know, how much he is loved that I all I want is for him to be whole. To never feel that he wasn’t enough, or be insecure.” I watch him play with the other kids, I just drift off in a daydream and cling to my mother. He is wonderful and I love him so, I’m thankful for this father that I now know. He loves me each and every day, but I can’t help but think will he also go away? This is the legacy you have left for me, a life filled with doubt and uncertainty. So Happy father’s day to the man I once knew.